Researcher Guides

The following pages were copied and re-designed from (web archive link). They describe many aspects of the life of an (applied) scientists during their career in a humorous voice. I am not responsible for the content nor do I take credit for any of it; I am merely hosting this content here so it is preserved for many other researchers today. If you would like to contribute or provide edits, please email me at

A Lifeline of a Researcher

A machine learning researcher’s career follows a traditional path. There are many obstacles on the way. This page collects together a series of guides to help a researcher at every stage of their career.

Becoming a researcher

Once you have joined the academic path of life by passing your finals in kindergarten, you are on the road to becoming a researcher. Follow these handy hints to help you on your way.

Being a researcher

After 20 years of study you have finally made it to the rank of a researcher. Below are some handy hints to help you in the day to day tasks a researcher has to undertake.

Becoming a Big-Shot

After a few years as a researcher you will find your idealism waning and your general energy in life diminishing. You can revive your spirit by entering the race to be come a big-shot. The formal definition of being a big shot is in terms of the BSI (Big Shot Index).

This can be augmented by the following time-proven methods which have the advantage that no research is necessary.

Being a Big-Shot

You’ve made it, or more importantly you think you have. If in doubt, check you Big Shot Index here. Alternatively, here are some readily checkable criteria to help you decide. You have to satisfy all the below conditions:

  1. You get invited to give to talks regardless of repeating the talk 3 times before.
  2. Your employer buys you a Vaio as a fashion accessory.
  3. You are physically incapable of catching shuttle buses; you need to rent a car.
  4. People know your name even when you lose your name badge and point at you when you walk in the room.
  5. You exhibit a magnetic effect in poster sessions whereby a large crowd of people will always be looking at the poster you are looking at (note: big shots do not present posters).
  6. Students ask you to write a paper jointly with you to increase the chances of it getting accepted.
  7. Have your entry in Wikipedia.

If you have made it, you of course know it all. But just in case you forget, here’s a few handy hints: