How To Avoid Poster Presentations

Many conferences now days have poster presentations which are great for the people attending but tiresome for the presenter. Follow these handy tips to avoid the pain. 

  1. Have a passport from some obscure country (e.g. Russia, Italy, China, or Iraq).
  2. Even if rule 1 does not apply, still do not attend the conference at which your paper is accepted.
  3. Arrange to have dinner with a big-shot when your poster is being presented.
  4. If your talk is refused an oral presentation, show your contempt by simply not producing a poster.
  5. Just stick a photocopy of your paper up (preferably double sided).  People will forgive your non-attendance because all the information you would have told them is readily available for them to read.
  6. Make an embarrassing poster. For example: use 5 pt font; print the poster on separate A5 sheets (at least 40), do not number them, and be sure to arrange them so it is unclear whether left-right precedence is used or up-down precedence is used. Randomise the truth from conference to conference. Give your poster a personal touch – draw it by hand; photocopy your handwritten slides, or even better, put the slides themselves up; use the word “fuzzy” in the title.
  7. Be a big shot.
  8. Collaborate with multiple co-authors and say that you thought they were going to do the poster.